A small black box theatre. The stage is bare except for two folding chairs, and an ornate gold Louis XIV knock-off, stage right. A dozen or so mostly Caucasian students sit facing the stage. They each have name tags in gold Sharpie.
Dry ice fills the house as DRUMPF enters to the strains of “Born This Way.”
Drumpf: Welcome to Drumpfprov. You made a great decision by coming here today.
I have the best class. I have the best rules. Believe me. You’re very fortunate. Until now, you could only learn Drumpfprov at one of my resort theatres, or from The Sharper Image.
(scans the audience) I see we have a lot of minorities. Minorities love me. Bigly. I’m tremendous with minorities. We’re going to build a wall. OK, let’s do a warm-up. Who knows one?
JANET, a slender woman in her early 20s, speaks.
Janet: I like Big Booty.
Drumpf: Disgusting. That’s disgusting. I don’t like a lotta junk in the trunk. (squints) Janice–
Drumpf: You wouldn’t be able to play anyway, Janice. You’ve got a great piece of ass.
Besides, we don’t need warm-ups. I have the best exercises. Believe me. Let’s do some scenes.
Drumpf sits in the gold chair. CLAIRE and ZOE start a scene.
Claire: Hi boss, I typed up those forms you wanted.
Drumpf: Excuse me…excuse me!
Drumpf: Can anyone tell me why this scene is a disaster?
JORDAN, a 30-something black man, raises his hand.
Jordan: There was no emotion?
Drumpf: Wrong. The boss should be a man, and the secretary is like a 5 at best. Next!
MOLLY and DUSTIN start a scene.
Molly: Dad, I’m going to school now.
Dustin: Have a good day, honey.
Drumpf: Excuse me…excuse me! You need to show her more affection. A lot more. Remember, she’s your daughter. OK, next.
DANA and JAKE sit centre stage. TOM enters, miming a tray.
Dana: I’m really enjoying this first date.
Jake: Me too.
Tom: Here’s your mojitos. Are you ready to order?
Drumpf: (turns to audience) Who has status here?
Janet: Is it Dana?
(Drumpf rolls his eyes)
Dustin: Tom does.
Drumpf: Are any of you paying attention? I have status. I have the highest status. Always. Believe me.
Now I’m gonna teach you how to raise the stakes, Drumpf-style. I call it Drumpf Stakes.
Drumpf walks centre stage.
Drumpf: Janice, get up here.
Reluctantly, Janet joins him.
Drumpf: I love cats.
Janet: Here, I brought you a kitten.
Drumpf: I don’t like cats. I think I’ve made that very clear. I’ve never liked cats.
(to audience) See what I did there? OK, now everyone pair up. I want you to look at each other and tell me who you are to each other. Go.
Sara: I’m a Harvard professor, and Matias is my student.
Drumpf: Is that a joke? Did you even look at him? You’re obviously a receptionist, and Matias is a drug lord.
Drumpf turns to MATIAS.
Drumpf: Where are you from?
Drumpf: Yeah. But where are you from?
Matias: You mean my parents? They’re from upstate New York.
Drumpf: (sighs) Fine, Lyin’ Matias. If that’s the way you want it. I’m just saying play the scene a little more real. They don’t all have to be rape scenes, but a lot of them will be.
All right, we’ve got time for one group scene.
Zoe walks on stage. She clearly mimes being a scientist, using test tubes in a lab. DANNY enters.
Danny: Hey babe, when’s dinner?
Zoe: Uhhh…soon. I’m just mixing the salad dressing.
Matias enters. He starts to speak but is cut off by Danny, who throws himself in front of Zoe.
Danny: Don’t rape her!
Jordan: Whoa, what’s with all the screaming?
Danny points at him with rage.
Danny: You’re the worst President!
SFX: (slow clap)
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.